Talk:愛して愛して愛して (Aishite Aishite Aishite)/@comment-50.46.132.105-20190908025932/@comment-86.49.226.195-20191002203046
Yeah, I have BPD and it resonates with me, although I am a bit...weird around the black and white morality thing. As a symptom of BPD, I do idolise and idealise the people I like, I feel like they can do no wrong and that they are perfect, like an angel sent from heavens, but it's not really...it's not real. It's a background voice pulling at my chest and heart. I can still think rationally and I know tha the person is not perfect. But in the vastness of my head, a voice keeps nagging at me about a world of white and black. And when the person fails even at the smallest thing, the voice starts pulling at my stomach instead, and turns my tongue into acid. It's in the background of my head and it tells me that the person is the worst, lazy, inconsiderate, irresponsible, or stupid, impulsive, a bum, filthy and trash. But I know it's wrong because I have my beliefs and I know that nobody is wholly good or wholly evil and that literally everybody has good and bad traits. But it's there, the voice is there and some days it's powerful, and I hate it because it makes me do things I hate, and then I regret them and feel ashamed. The voice pulls at my chest or at my stomach, and it makes me declare undying loyalty and it makes me scream at people or quietly isolate. I hate myself for it. I hate this "collar." I think the collar is BPD as a whole, not just beliefs. No matter how many years pass, the collar stays on your neck. And you don't want it. "This curse – undo it, undo it" is what you say because it's ruining your life and it's ruining you and you feel so black and white and it's maddening and you don't know why, because others have opinions but you have two exact opposite opinions on everything. And nobody understands it, and then you don't understand it because how can you have two opinions, on the same thing, that directly contradict themselves? And why do you sometimes do the things you do? And I don't know. I just think "Love me, love me, more and more" and I think "Don't get angry at me, don't abandon me" and I feel "People just, people just aren't enough." And I truly am sorry about it, and every time I swear I will change, but it ends the same, the background me overtakes all logic and I throw everything away, thinking that I am the Devil, and that I am the evil, and then I feel so ashamed of my emotions that I isolate myself for at least 2 months. And I want attention, as if it were a physiological need, but I am afraid of it. I want to stay in the sidelines but a voice is screaming "Be heard, be observed, be the center of attention, be famous, be known" and I don't want it. I don't want the voice. And it's screaming "We need praise. We deserve praise. We are good, right? Aren't we? People haven't praised us in two seconds, that means we aren't good. We have to be good. We have to get praise. We are better." and I don't want it. But it's wrapped around my neck and it's screaming. Truly "More than that kid, more than any kid. Come and look at me!" This song perfectly summarises my BPD experience just with these lyrics: